bio

I just sent this list of questions to my coworkers to use for their company bios. I was impressed with myself. Dear readers, feel free to answer these in the comments, on your blogs, at your dinner table tonight or for your own company bios. Awesome.

-What is your favorite wood?
-What's your favorite children's book?
-If you had a 3'x3' patch of wall space with which to do whatever you wanted, what would it look like when you were done?
-Describe your family using the Periodic Table of Elements: http://www.webelements.com/ (You can click on each element for a description.)
-What has been your favorite project in your work history?
-If you had to mix any three liquids and drink it, what would they be?
-If you had to mix any three liquids and make someone else drink it, what would they be?
-What's your favorite thing about our company?
-Why did you want to work here?
-What purpose do you fill at our company?
-If our company had a mascot, what would it be?
-Describe your favorite room in your house.
-Tell me about your life.
-At work, what organizational tool could you not live without?
-What's your favorite book and why?
-What's your favorite movie and why?
-That you've ever tried, whose macaroni recipe do you like the best?
-What's your favorite sport?
-Which hat best fits you and why? (beret, football helmet, baseball cap, fedora, darth vader mask, one of those Chinese cone hats, sombrero, etc)
-What's your favorite class you've ever taken and why?
-What's been your greatest professional/scholastic challenge?
-Describe the funniest commercial you've ever seen.
-Describe a commercial that once made you cry. If you've never cried at a commercial, give an answer about why you feel like you had to lie about this - we're all friends here.

Obedience: A Mixed Metaphor

The children of Israel, making their way through the mists of darkness, either hanging onto the iron rod or getting lost in the roots of the Tree (or maybe that's just Alternate Paths) on their way to cast their eyes upon the brazen serpent, while the people in the great and spacious building mock and laugh.

Also, because G "obeyed" my connect-the-dots (which may or may not have been added after the drawing was complete), we came out with a beautiful great and spacious building.

Moral of the story: Obedience is the first law of heaven.
Not Moral of the Story: Connecting the dots can only result in a great and spacious building.
Not Moral of the Story: We were thinking about changing that purple snake into a tetherball pole, but I don't think following the iron rod will lead you to tetherball. Necessarily.

cycling through

I've got to say, going to funerals really sharpens your perspective on life.

Hot Dogs in the Context of Your Mother

So, awhile back L'Afro and I were discussing 500-word essays, for some reason. We assigned topics to each other and flippin, and only flippin ever wrote his, to my knowledge. (L'Afro, apologies if you wrote yours and I forgot I saw it.)

The point is, I haven't read flippin's yet because it came with the caveat: "Don't read this until you've written yours."

After faithfully not reading his essay, titled "The State of the Universe in the Context of Robot Slaves, or: Where's my electronic manservant? or: You are not my mother!  You are a Snort!", for more than a year, I have determined that I don't really want to wait any longer. Understandably, I hope, now that you've read his title. So here's mine.

Hot Dogs in the Context of Your Mother

As with many foods, I experienced my first hot dog in my mother's house. Probably cut up in tiny pieces on a plate by itself, the way I watched my cousin deliver a hot dog to his daughter only last week. 

 

I imagine that was also where I determined I liked ketchup and not mustard; I am making this assumption based on the fact that it was also where I determined I liked wheat chili and not any chili with beans or spice - it follows.

 

I digress.

 

Mom had this desire, as I was growing up, for her children to learn to cook. After all, she was a relatively well-known cook throughout our social community, shouldn't her children at least know how to fend for themselves? So started "each kid cooks once a week." That was pretty short-lived, but it didn't end before the rule sprouted up that I couldn't make French toast and hot dogs every time. Apparently I was supposed to learn to cook other things - don’t worry, now I can make macaroni and cheese, too. As in, more than one kind. And stuffed peppers and rice pudding.

 

But fast forward to college, the time in my life to which these cooking lessons were pointed. Er ... the first time I would have to utilize those skills, anyway.

 

My staple foods in college were eggs, French toast, quesadillas and hot dogs, but I'm just saying. Sorry, Mom. 

 

Then I learned to broil the hot dogs on the oven rack - grilling for inside! - which sort of shot any extra effort from that point forward. That was a revolutionary point in my cooking life that Mom should be proud of. My life was enriched, though, when I discovered New York hot dogs and Nathan's hot dogs. It was a whole new world. Cooking began to mean something, that "something" consisting mostly of 100% beef, onions, sauerkraut and the tentative advent of my mustard affinity.

 

Nathan’s are the gourmet of all hot dogs, but they cost between $4-5 per package of eight. Too bad I don’t like other kinds of hot dogs anymore, and don’t make fun of me because this is worth it to me. My mom does, though. Last year for my birthday, she bought me a package of them and some for dinner. She didn’t think they were worth it.

 

Think about it, though. A package of eight hot dogs for $4-5 dollars. I stopped in a Phoenix airport recently and picked up a Nathan’s hot dog and fries for $3 each last weekend ($3 for the hot dog and $3 for the fries). Turned out it wasn’t any better than my packaged stuff, at only fifty cents per quality dog!

 

I guess the moral of this story is that my mom doesn’t really have a lot to do with hot dogs in my life, but she loves me and I love hot dogs, so sometimes they cross paths. I think that will suffice.

hey.

After a recent admonition by CPM about my lack of bloggingness, I present to you:

Hey, here I am, blogging.

Sorry, it's 2 a.m. and I feel like blogging but I haven't been in the blogging mindset enough lately to actually have anything to say.

Between the twinkling light out my back window and the fact that I saw Short Circuit tonight, I think we may have aliens in the backyard. Welcome, this is Earth. Input.

I am an anti-fan of the cats who live in my house. There was a dead mouse in my hallway tonight. I have less animosity toward them now than I used to; it's more dead irritation now.

Our dog is tiny.

I bought hot dogs.

I made corn bread tonight.

I have a goal to sleep more this weekend.

My ward is having an Ado Annie dinner tomorrow night. I refuse to decorate a basket and try to make some random guy fall in love with my questionable home ec skills. If anything I would bring a pizza and sit in the back ... instead I'm staying home to watch a movie. Sorry to not support the activities committee ... if anything, I'm showing my opinion by boycott. Ten bucks says the girls outnumber the guys 2:1.

My roommate made pie. She says I can't have any since I didn't help (I was helping my friend with cornbread), and I don't believe her. But somehow I am not too concerned even if she stands her ground. I have hot dogs. And also Lucky Charms.

I talked to L'Afro today. It was glorious and I want to finish our conversation soon. Call me back when you can, dear.

I won't decorate my room the rest of the way until it is clean. Or buy anything for it. That will make an IKEA trip seriously unproductive if I don't finish soon, and also, I am coming into a fake ficus tree in December, so I'd better be ready for it.

Anyone bored yet? Sorry, I'll write something better next time, I promise. Leave me some topics in the comments if you really want to spur some action. Or make me think of them myself. You know, whatever.

a wave hit it

If you watch this it will make your entire day.
Perfect especially for engineers and PR or media people, or anyone in any field who must know what they're talking about at some point ...

holy amazing

My new favorite bed:



No one go out and buy it before me, I want to be the first kid on the block to have one. It rocks ... and, as I've pointed out, LITERALLY.


And my new favorite, most-looked-forward-to establishment:



See if you can beat me there. (It's in New York so maybe that won't be as hard as I'd hope ...)

erm

I need a Garth Brooks cd. Why have I never taken care of this?

"Hanging Out" with CPM

The true story, in response to Curious Physics Minor's bold statements in his recent "expose" of a fictional crime syndicate bearing my name.

Over the course of my writership, Board parties and other functions led me to meet a certain Curious Physics Minor (known casually as CPM). We didn't talk much at first, but as other writers came and went, it was inevitable that we began to chat. At first, I was impressed and, admittedly, always intrigued by CPM, with his debonair demeanor, his seemingly endless knowledge and his charismatic, friendly disposition. We became friends and eventually began to spend a bit more time "hanging out."

I soon discovered why the Brethren are so opposed to such activities.

One night, as CPM was leading me through some Wii Fit exercises in his basement, he let down his guard a bit and accidentally called our workout sessions "training." Being of sharp mind myself, I didn't say anything but took quiet note. As the evening progressed, I drew out small details here and there, and finally pieced together a picture that was anything but a casual friendship. So this is where "hanging out" leads, I thought.

Being a discerning guy, CPM must have noticed something different about me, despite my efforts to hide it. I think he assumed I was figuring things out, because he went upstairs "for a drink of water," (like working out would make CPM thirsty) and came back with a couple of keys, a metal box and a little bottle of some thick, clear liquid.

He entered the room; I stood, with the plan to inch toward the door while we discussed boxing tactics. But CPM would have none of it. He had locked the door behind him, and "persuaded" me to join him on the couch. Before I knew it, I had ingested the liquid in the bottle and was powerless to object to anything CPM asked of me. Between the drug and his charm, I was stuck.

The next hour was filled with instruction on bike mechanics, layouts of apartment complexes, technical specs and promises that "this [theft] won't hurt a bit." (Alma 11:23, I thought, but there was nothing I could do.) I was now an unwilling operative of the Commanding Proprietary Marauder (known casually as CPM).

**

To be continued ...

Hhhhhola, como EH-STUH??

From my sister:

So, for my Spanish homework today, I had to fill in the verbs in different sentences. These were no ordinary sentences, however. Ah, no. Welcome to the world of pick-up lines written by Spanish textbook authors. I've decided to translate these for you so you could see their craziness. Enjoy.

1. What are you doing here so early? Didn't you know the stars never come out during the day?
2. A pencil without a point cannot write, and I without you cannot live.
3. If I didn't know that angels live in heaven, I would swear you were one.
4. At breakfast, I don't eat because I think of you. In the middle of the day, I don't eat lunch because I think of your lips. In the afternoon, I don't snack because I hear your laugh. At night, I don't sleep because I am dead from hunger.
5. I would that I were a mosquito so I could place myself on your ear and tell you how much I love you.
6. You are the combustible that feeds the fire of my passion.
7. I will be without air if I cannot see you soon.
8. Rainbows follow special people like you.
9. I know that I need a heart to live, but more-so, I need someone to make it beat.
10. I don't need night to fall to see the stars because I have your visage.
11. As long as math doesn't fail and Pythagorus doesn't lie, you will be the most handsome boy on the continent.
12. Do you know why there's a hole in the ozone layer? Because your eyes looked at the sky.
13. I don't want the moon; I don't want the sun; I only want your care, for I die for love.

Ugh. Barfola. bahahahahahahahaa, who even thought of these?! Who's EVER used Pythagorus in a pick-up line? Oh man.

--

Don't worry. We'll Pythagorus your theorem. And it will be hot, and in Spanish.

Risk

So I played Risk thoroughly on my own team, with no help, for the first time on Sunday night. The group I play with makes the game a lot like that reality show Survivor - strategy, playing with human personalities as some of your game pieces.

I made an alliance like two turns before I was given some pretty good advice that, however, would force me to choose between my ally and the two people who gave me the good advice. (Who didn't know about my alliance, and who would be kept safe by my taking their advice rather than what my secret plans with my ally would have done to them).

(I was concentrated in eastern Europe, with A's armies filling western Europe and sparsely populating Africa - I kept asking him to take his armies out of Europe, but instead he was building them up. He was strong to the west and the south of me. AB held Australia and was relatively strong in the China-Mongolia area, but was threatened to the southwest by A's northeastern African armies and by Z's armies coming down out of Russia. K held South America, loosely, and held a strong presence in central America, threatening Z's North American presence. I allied with AB to take out A on all sides of me and on her one side. A few minutes later, K left to get something and A and Z suggested I slip through North Africa to take over South America and wipe out central America. This was a pretty safe move for me and A would have left me alone, I could have built up in South America for awhile and then come back as a formidable force, but I would have left AB to face all of A's armies alone, plus I wanted the rest of Europe.)

I listened to their advice and said, "That's a good idea," then, over a turn or two, as I strengthened myself, I took ALL of my armies (besides those left holding western Europe) into North Africa (as suggested by A and Z) so A and Z wouldn't get scared and start to battle me before I was ready. When I was ready, I moved into North Africa and then turned around and swept A's two most populous European holdings, leaving enough men to be reasonably fortified while I built up to take out the last two or three of his European countries over the next turn or two (knowing full well he would probably hit me early). AB, my ally, took care of Z to her northeast and was building up to take out A's armies that I was worried about to my south.

The game ended the next turn because it was getting late and tempers were running short.

The moral of this story: I LOVE strategy games, though I'm still getting used to playing them and am not very good yet. BUT. I HATED how I felt having to betray one person or the other (it may also make a difference to mention that A has been my faithful Risk tutor thus far). I wouldn't have wanted to go against either of them but I stayed with my alliance because I made it first.

But I felt so bad! It was like it wasn't a game anymore. I mean, it's just a game but when it gets personal, it's not as fun. I might just take a break for awhile. I've played three times in the last week and a half or so.

I guess that's what I have to say about that.

one to one

This woman is trying to fax me an article. Our fax line sometimes has issues, and she said the fax machine kept going to a voice mail. I finally asked her if she had it electronically, and if she could just e-mail it to me, because that would be the best. She said she didn't know how. I told her I was the only one here right now and I didn't know how to fix the fax machine, but that I would call her and let her know to try again when it was ready. She said, "Well, you don't know how to fix the fax machine, and I don't know how to do the other thing, so we're even."

No. That is not even.