RELATIVELY LONG-TERM BOARD WRITER FINALLY CUTS THE APRON STRINGS
Feb. 25, 2009
BOARD CITY-- A year and a half after completing her undergraduate degree, Brigham Young University 100 Hour Board writer "Olympus" retired from writership today.
"After 25 months of writing, sort-of writing and not writing, it was time," she said. "I thought maybe I could allow someone who had even a summer home in Provo take my place."
The former writer said she was looking forward to the now-empty nights at home, which were formerly occupied by several hours of question-answering, daily.
"My consistent, in-depth research on social marketing, communications, jazz, professional development, street musicians in New York, and Dating Habits of Everyone will continue," she said. "My research on mints, Joe Biden's feelings on 'The Office,' gymnastics gym rules in California and emergency road flares may lag. So feel free to still come to me on that easy stuff."
She followed up that her extensive Board writing hours would be replaced by WIRED magazine, air hockey, woodworking and traveling outside of her current town to find dates.
Her roommates, Jane Doe and Jane Doe_1, said they looked forward to now having Olympus' help cleaning the kitchen and attending parties, though they didn't hold out much hope that her new-found free time would result in any extra time cleaning up after their pets.
When asked about readers who may experience abandonment issues, Olympus responded that, while it will be good for them to "buy their own $#*% phone books," she will miss trying to help them solve life issues about the Abrahamic Covenant and going to bat for them against the Board's more tear-evoking grammar blasts.
She said she would especially miss making assumptions about the readers' sordid dating lives and delving into her expanded-on-the-Board-dime dating library to shell out advice tinged with just a little too much personal experience. The abandonment, she said, will subside.
"Those abandonment issues probably started months ago anyway," Olympus said, "so at least they're probably used to not having me around. By making it official, at least I can stop sending child support. That's the way it works here."
One of the Board's distinguished editors, Yellow, said the organization would miss Olympus' broad contributions on topics she had no experience with.
"Those emergency road flares were a crowning moment; a peak, even," said Yellow, smiling fondly as he remembered. "Even if that was her first answer."
Optimistic., a former Board editor brought out of his own retirement to comment, allegedly said the Board was losing a valuable asset in Olympus' shrinking Provo contact-base.
"It's why we hired her, after all," he said in a quote submitted (and possibly written by) Olympus. "Now that it's mostly gone, she is worth more as a writer than ever. I can't believe you aren't fighting to keep her on."
In lieu of flowers, Olympus is accepting cash donations to her 401k. "While the Board's retirement plan is better than some out there these days," she said, "it still leaves room for improvement." Donations can be routed to #8471463 at First National Bank of Board City.